I am aimless. In life, in love, and in so many other things. I have found myself in or near so many important decisions in my life and have failed to close the deal. I just can't seem to do it. Closing the deal is a sales term, but it applies to many things that have happened to me over the years. Things that, had they gone a different way, would have altered my life or changed my destiny. Had I just been able to “man up” and speak my mind or state my desire at the crucial moment my life would likely be immeasurably different.
The classic, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” question for example. I'm 59 and I still can't answer it. Why? Because I'm aimless. I don't really have a direction. I'm not “goal oriented” like successful people are. My mantra is more like, “Whatever.”
Am I happy? I am happier than I have been in the last few years, but that is just a comparison. Am I happy? I am content. My life has an orderly predictability that fares well with a worrywart person like myself. But am I happy? I doubt it. I think I am happy, but if I have to keep asking myself if I am, am I really? Will I ever be?
I am restless but I don't want to do anything. I want to be with a woman that I can shower with love and affection, but yet–I want to be alone. I want to share things with others, but I want to be selfish too. I'm a bag of oppositions that seem to hold themselves together.
I feel like I am my own enigma.
