The Passive Exhibitionist

During a recent bit of introspection and self-analysis, I coined a new term.  I am what I call a "passive exhibitionist."  I don't force myself on people, but I will place myself in hopes that someone notices me.  If it's a party or gathering of some kind I might be figuratively in the background during conversation, but I'll make a quip or answer a question that will steer the conversation.  The idea is to do something to put the focus will be on something involving me.  I will feign surprise or nonchalance, but unabashedly tell a tale, throwing my comedic slant on the delivery.  After the right amount of interaction, I will duck out or wander away at a point where the timing is appropriate.  It's a "don't overstay your welcome" kind of thing.  I don't want to dominate a conversation, but I do want to be the focus of it for a short time.

A few people that know me know me as a nudist at heart.  They know I would just as soon not be wearing clothes.  The truth is, my passive exhibitionist streak exists there too.  I will choose to be bare in a place where it's not completely out of the ordinary, but there still might be a very small chance of discovery--like my back yard for example.  When I'm lying in the sun I sometimes hope someone will stumble upon me.  There have been many times where I will leave my robe on the chair in the dining room when I'm going to go out to the garage for something and make the trek completely bare.  I know--based on the time of day, nobody being home, or whatever--that there is a chance I could be caught, but it's highly unlikely.  I might walk out to the wood pile behind the garage to get some wood, and purposely leave my robe loose in hopes it comes open on the way back when my hands are full.  Sure, I could be caught, but it would look innocent enough.

My writings follow a parallel.  I put secretive things about me on display.  I bare my soul to the world, knowing the chance of anyone really reading it are probably very slim.

The internet has enabled me.  I am able to hide behind the anonymity of my choosing if I so desire.  I can be anyone I want to be, and be as public or private as I want to be. I can post things like this blog to a place where I'm not covering up my identity, nor am I announcing it publicly.  There are also those times I have created a persona that was anonymous just so I could post things and live a little dangerously.  I had no particular plan or goal, I just wanted to put myself out there a little further than usual.  Every time I have ever done that--bar none--I have eventually deleted my account.  The thrill I initially had when I started had worn thin and was finally gone, and I no longer had that urge to be the passive exhibitionist.