I wonder how many other people "go all philosophical" as they get older. How many people become aware of the things they did or didn't do during the course of their lives? How many people remember things they are sorry they got mixed up in or sorry they missed out on? I would guess that it doesn't happen to as many as it should. If so, it's probably fleeting. They may be better for absence of it--who knows?
Not everyone has the level of introspection that I have, which is good. If everyone was over-thinking shit all the time nothing would ever get done. I like to think that my level of thought (call it analyzing, worrying, pondering, or whatever) is good for my life. I like to think that the fact that I do mull things over creates a more positive place for me and those around me. How? By the fact that I'm always carefully considering things before doing them or saying them. Ramifications, perceived reactions, fairness, honesty--all sorts of things go through my mind when I'm making choices. I try to think before I act. It drives me crazy sometimes. I know it drives other people crazy as well. My level of impulsiveness is sometimes so low I wonder if it can be measured. Cursed with thought? Hobbled by an overactive mind?
I have had many, many regrets in my life, and one of them is that I never kept a journal of any kind when I was younger. I would dearly love to be able to read what was going through my mind at various points in my life. Imagine being able to go to the "table of contents" of your life, select a time period, and zip right to it. It could be something as mundane as what I ate for lunch or what kind of weather we had that day, but it could have also given me some insight as to how I responded mentally or physically to something that happened to me during a particular day. Fell down and skinned my knee riding a bicycle? Angry at having to write "I will not..." a thousand times because someone did something to punish the whole class? Sick and home from school? Scared and alone in a strange place? All of these things I remember tidbits of, but it would be so interesting to be able to get a feel for how they affected me at that time. Hell, maybe it would scare the hell out of me to be suddenly looking though my eyes during a traumatic moment. I didn't know I would like to write about things as I got older and more thoughtful. Had I known or aspired to it, I would have kept journals. I would have taken more writing and English classes. I would have focused my energies instead of just squandering life and living like a selfish, part-time hedonist.
Or would I?
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